Battle of the Sexes – Let’s face it, men and women can’t seem to live without each other and while they ‘somehow’ tend to complete each other, the path to cohabitation often turns out to be all but easy. During this incredible journey down the yellow brick road, you will most probably stumble across unforeseen obstacles such as communication, rationalization, understanding and compromise – just to make short. Whatever your gender, in all cases you have access to one powerful weapon which is humor and that will more often than enough be the best alternative.
Worse pick-up lines ever (do NOT use these they do NOT work):
I’m like a Rubik’s Cube. The more you play with me, the harder I get.
Gee, this is one warm massage table. Oh, wait, it’s you.
Was your dad a cement mixer. Because you are making me hard?
Hey baby, wanna sharpen my pencil?
Hi, I’m part Native American, would you like to ride my totem pole?
You have 206 bones in your body. Want one more?
The word of the day is legs. Let’s go to your house and spread the word.
My shirt would look great on your bedroom floor.
Is that a mirror in your pocket? ‘Cause I can see myself in your pants.
Nice legs; what time do they open?
Your body’s name must be visa, because it’s everywhere I want to be
Are you from Ireland cos my c*cks Dublin.
My shirt would look great on your bedroom floor.
Have you any Irish in you? Would you like some more?
Those boobs look very heavy… can I hold them for you?
A very interesting study
When an orgasm has been achieved through sex, you can measure theta waves. These are also said to cause the “running high” feeling of euphoria experienced sometimes by marathon runners. If theta waves are taken as a criterion, the entire brain emits theta waves when women reach an orgasm that are close to 10 times stronger than when men climax. So, if theta waves are an indication of an orgasm’s strength, then women experience an orgasm that is physically impossible for men to go through. Putting it a little crudely, if the intensity of a woman’s orgasm was played through a man’s brain, there’s a danger that the shock to his system would kill him. That risk makes it impossible to experiment on a man at the moment. And men can never become women.
Female drivers : the Movie
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Men: A man has six items in his bathroom — a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. Women: The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man cannot identify most of these items.
Rules for Women:
- Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
- Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
- Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.
- What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
- If they can put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all there.
- Tell him you’re not his type – you have a pulse.
- Never let your man’s mind wander – its too little to be left out alone.
- Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.
- Never marry a man for money. You’ll have to earn every penny.
- Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
- The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
- A man’s idea of serious commitment is usually, “Oh all right, I’ll stay the night”.
- Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn’t even have bothered to have lunch with.
- Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
- If it is not Valentine’s Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, ‘What did you do?
Shower like a woman – Shower like a man
Rules for Men:
- Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
- Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
- Why do women have smaller feet than men ? So they can stand closer to the sink.
- How do you fix a woman’s watch? You don’t…there’s a clock on the oven!
- I date this girl for two years — and then the nagging starts: “I wanna know your name…”
- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course…at least he’ll shut up after you let him in!
- One golfer tells another: “Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!” The other replies: “GREAT trade!”
- The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” and I said, “Dust!”
- Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
- Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
- Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, ‘How do I look?’
- PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it means that). PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
- The first naked man a woman sees is ‘Ken’.
- Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
- ‘Oh, nothing,’ has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
- Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
- All women are overweight by definition; don’t agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don’t bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
- ‘Only women understand the reason for ‘guest towels’ and the ‘good china’.
- All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
- If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which gets them in More trouble).
- Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they ‘left the seat up’ instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
- Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
- Women don’t really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don’t see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
- Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
PMSLweb Piss Myself laughing – The Internet Scavengers
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